GRAVE OF THE VAMPIRE (1972)

A vampire, Caleb Croft (Michael Pataki), rises from the grave, only to find a young couple making out in the graveyard. He kills the boyfriend and rapes the girlfriend, who becomes pregnant. When the baby is born, it eschews milk for blood. (Like father, like son.) The boy, James, grows up into William Smith, who hates what he is and blames it on his father. James is determined to find Croft and kill him.

The first 35 of the film's 90 minutes are prologue. First, the murder and rape are investigated by an oddly credulous police detective. Since the boyfriend's body was drained of blood, he reasons, the killer must be a vampire. Well, sure! What other explanation could there be? After Croft murders the detective, the focus switches to Leslie, the rape victim—first her pregnancy, then the raising of her vampire child. Suddenly, it's 30 years later, Leslie has died of old age, and we finally to get to the real story.

Despite the large number of vampires murders, there's very little by way of violence. Instead, the film opts for slow-moving scenes of contrived dialogue delivered by a cast so bad, they must have paid to be in the film. The sole exception is Michael Pataki, who makes a fairly imposing vampire. The opening scene, in which Croft opens his coffin and leaves the grave, is genuinely creepy. If only the remaining 85 minutes were even half as watchable.

But no. What we have here is typical grindhouse fare: a lame script, horrendous acting, cut-rate sets, ludicrous props, humdrum camera work, a grating (though occasionally effective) score, machete-styled editing, riotously bad sound effects, and one of the most predictable “surprise” endings I've ever seen.

Item: At a library, Croft tells a woman she has lovely hair. She replies that she was once a photographer's model. Neither character moves their lips during this exchange.

Item: During his showdown with Croft, James is pushed into a fireplace and his back set ablaze. He puts the flames out with a classic stop-drop-and-roll move, then continues to fight as if he's not now covered with third-degree burns. Also, his shirt sustains no fire damage.

Item: James defeats Croft in the regular way—by jamming a wooden stake into the vampire's, uh, stomach. It's damned sure not his heart, unless Croft is a Vulcan.

Item: At the film's end, James morphs into a vampire. To call William Smith's acting in this scene “histrionic” is a gross understatement. And going by their size, his fangs must have been stolen from a dinosaur museum.