HORRORS OF SPIDER ISLAND a/k/a EIN TOTER HING IM NETZ (Body in the Web) [1960]

Too much island and not enough spider. Not to mention dialogue like, “There's absolutely no reason yet to fear the worst. Until now, we only know that the plane caught fire and we've lost radio contact.”

En route to a show in Singapore, a troupe of beautiful dancers is stranded on a deserted island when their plane crashes. Before long, a radioactive spider bites their manager and turns him into a wild-eyed, furry-faced monster with three fangs and a passion for strangling. But remember, there's no need to fear the worst.

This was made in Germany as a skin flick. For its U.S. release, it was re-edited in an effort to appeal to both fans of nudie and horror films. (It appealed to neither.) The biggest “horror” on display here is the MAD MEN-styled sexism our token male, Gary, exhibits toward the women—or, as he calls them, girls. Then there's the piss-poor dubbing job, right down to the half-assed background noises. In one scene, as a dancer showers beneath a waterfall, we hear the sound effect of someone gargling. When the plane crashes, it magically transforms from a DC-3 into what looks like a Japanese Zero in a ball of kamikaze fire. Furthermore, Gary calls his gun a revolver, though it has no chamber. In fact, when Gary loads the gun, he shoves in a magazine, showing it's not a revolver.

Not that any of this matters. The so-called “plot” was merely an excuse to show pretty young women in various states of undress. In that regard, I suppose the film succeeded. And the jazzy score greatly contributes to the burlesque mood the film sets from Scene One. Of course, it was 1960, so the most cheesecake you'll see involves tight-fitting bikinis. Still, they do fit tightly!

Now I'll have to re-watch the MST3K episode.