THE ATOMIC BRAIN a/k/a MONSTROSITY (1963)

If ever a film was aptly named, it's MONSTROSITY. An even more fitting title would be “Frankenstein For Dummies.”

The plot: Dr. Otto Frank (Get it?) conducts experiments on the recently deceased (he robs graves) and hopes to eventually transplant a human brain. He uses nuclear fission in a cyclotron to stimulate brain cells. (Don't ask.) Funding his work is a rich, unscrupulous old woman who hopes to have her brain put into what she calls “a fresh young live body.” To ensure that a body is available, the old woman hires three live-in servants: Bea from England, Nina from Austria, and Anita from Mexico. Not one of them speaks in a convincing accent. In fact, Bea's often slips into Australian.

Dr. Frank has so far placed a dog's brain into a human skull, resulting in a hairy, befanged monstrosity that helps him nab the corpses. Things get even weirder when Frank puts a cat's brain into Anita's skull (without leaving any surgical scars). I can't help but envision that tiny cat's brain rolling and bouncing around inside the woman's head—unless Dr. Frank secured it with bungee cords or something.

The end of the film is even more ludicrous: in a fit of conscience, Dr. Frank puts the old lady's brain into a cat. (The size issue is never addressed here either.) The cat gets back at him by locking Frank in his lab after setting off a self-destruct mechanism. Dr. Frank is fried to death and the house goes up in a ball of fire. The cat gets away, though, presumably to set up a sequel that (mercifully) never materialized.

Item: The self-destruct mechanism involves the triggering of a nuclear explosion. How would a civilian purchase a nuclear reactor? And where, exactly, would they keep it?

Item: There's a sub-plot (one of several) involving a newly-deceased young woman who Dr. Frank has revived to zombie status. (As the old lady puts it, “She has no brain; that could be useful.”) She wanders about the lab, eventually finding her way outside, where the above-mentioned monstrosity rips her to pieces. There is no reason for this sub-plot except to kill time. And yet, the movie still clocks in at a mere 64 minutes.

Item: Bea and Nina decide to escape together. They run downstairs to the first floor, where the front door is presumably located. But instead of leaving that way, they proceed to the basement, where they encounter the old lady. Frightened, they run back up to the first floor, again eschewing the front door, and make their way upstairs, where the old lady locks them in a bedroom.

Item: In most of these films, the narrator appears during the first couple of minutes to set up the plot, then goes away. Sometimes, he'll reappear at the end with a “See, I told you so” type of closing. But in this film, the narrator never goes away; he's always there, telling us what a character feels or how Dr. Frank's work is coming along or how misanthropic the old lady is. For the first fifteen or so minutes, there's virtually no dialogue—just the narrator. That he speaks in a “Big Brother is watching” tone just makes it more obtrusive. And it's just plain creepy when Nina models underwear for the old lady as the narrator lewdly describes the latter's thoughts: “She is so nicely rounded in places men like.” I'll need a hot shower now!