THE GALAXY INVADER (1985)

Q: What's red, white and green all over?
A: This movie, with its red necks, white trash, and green space alien.

The Swamp Thing wannabe of the title does not invade a galaxy; it crash-lands in a small town of gun-toting hillbillies. These one-dimensional characters decide to go hunting for the space alien in the hope that capturing it will make them rich and famous. (Remember, this was years before Reality TV made celebrities out of idiots.) When one redneck asks what the creature looks like, another one answers, “Who cares? It don't look like us, and that's all that matters.”

Imagine a film in which every character is loathsome, even the children. Imagine a cast for whom playing a redneck lowlife was not exactly a stretch. (And yet, they still turn in rotten performances.) Imagine flubbed lines without retakes. Imagine dialogue so mindless, it's hard to believe it was scripted and not ad-libbed. Imagine several murders occurring in a 24-hour period but no police turning up to investigate them. Imagine an alien so unconvincing, you can see the actor's eyes through the holes in his cowl. Imagine a fistfight so obviously staged, it looks like two buddies good-naturedly wrestling. Finally, imagine a riotous ending in which a gully suddenly becomes a cliff, and the man falling off it transforms into a life-sized rag doll.

That's THE GALAXY INVADER, as incompetently made a piece of shit as any the 1980s puked out. I wish this movie were a man so I could kick it in the balls.