THE INCREDIBLE PETRIFIED WORLD (1959)

No, this is not about a planet whose entire population is scared. In fact, the title has nothing to do with the movie itself.

The plot (for lack of a better word): two men and two women descend into the sea in a diving bell designed by one Professor Wyman (John Carradine). Its support cable snaps, causing the bell to sink thousands of feet to the bottom (with no pressure problems). The explorers find an underwater world complete with breathable air and caves that glow in the dark (phosphorous, don' cha know). They meet a bug-eyed stranger with a Santa Claus beard, who claims to have been in the caves for 14 years following a shipwreck. The stranger takes a shine to one of the women and decides to kill the others so he can have her to himself. But before he can do so, the volcano above them erupts, killing the stranger in an avalanche of rock. Luckily, a second diving bell has been dispatched, whisking the explorers away to safety.

My plot summary makes THE INCREDIBLE PETRIFIED WORLD sound far more interesting than it is. In fact, the movie is 64 minutes of relentless tedium. In between the occasional plot point, we're deluged with meaningless dialogue, a lot of which reflects the sexism and rampant misogyny of the 1950s. For example, when one woman suggests they help each other, the other woman sneers, “We don't need anyone's help—not with two men down here with us.” We also get ponderous scenes of walking, fish-eating, water-drinking, and oh so much SCUBA diving. And there's no reason for the stranger; his appearance is extraneous at best.

Now, on to the technical flaws. What kind of a diving bell takes in no water when you open its hatch under the surface? Why is the bell's ceiling higher than Madison Square Garden's? What type of volcano produces breathable air? How did the stranger get to the underwater caves without diving gear? How did he mark time accurately enough to know that he's been there for 14 years? How did the women swim to the second diving bell this far underwater with only street clothes on? And how did they stay dry in the process?

Along with Carradine, the other name actor here is Phyllis Coates, the first Lois Lane on the  “Superman” TV show. Unfortunately, her character is bitter and angry and spends most of her time trading insults with the other woman. Just what we needed: something to make this an even less pleasant viewing experience.

When the best part of a movie is stock footage of a shark fighting an octopus, you know you're in for a rough ride.